A Speaker, a Serial Killer, and a Substitute
by Hans Clark
Summary: a funny bit of wit about the going-on's at Hogwarts rr (has to get 21 reviews to beat Matriaya)


Disclaimer: nothing in Harry Potter is owned by Max, but feel free to sue him! (evil big sis who was so gracious enough to post this because he's technologically impared.)  
  
A Speaker, a Serial Killer, and a Substitute  
  
By Max Maher  
  
The day was Saturday, April the 4th and spring was  
  
blooming all around Hogwarts. The snow had melted,  
  
the Whomping Willow was growing leaves, and students  
  
everywhere had ditched their winter robes and scarves  
  
and were enjoying the cool breeze. Even Harry, Ron,  
  
and Hermione had decided that the weather was too nice  
  
to be stuck inside cramming for their Transfiguration  
  
quiz Monday. Everyone was relaxing on the Hogwarts  
  
grounds when all of a sudden a loud noise startled  
  
everyone.  
  
The giant squid had leapt out of the lake at a great  
  
speed and splashed everyone within a hundred feet of  
  
the shore. It froze 20 feet above the water in midair  
  
and stood for several minutes. McGonagall came  
  
running out with Dumbledore when more trouble  
  
occurred. The squid was shooting red laser beams at  
  
people from its mouth. One of them hit McGonagall  
  
square in the face. She fell down and lay  
  
unconscious, half petrified.   
  
The squid stopped attacking, and splashed into the  
  
water it. It rose again, but this time it didn't  
  
attack. Instead, a golden staircase appeared from its  
  
mouth to the shore. Then, a loud voice broke  
  
traumatized silence, "ENTER, OR ELSE YOUR SCHOOL WILL  
  
PERISH.NO, NOT YOU LUNA, OR YOU NEVILLE, NO, STAY OUT  
  
SEAMUS! CURSES, HOW DO I KNOW YOUR NAMES? OH  
  
WELL.HARRY POTTER AND ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, ENTER NOW!!"  
  
Dumbledore rushed over to Harry and said, "Erm.could  
  
you take this one for me, I know I still owe you big  
  
time for helping out in the Chamber of Secrets," and  
  
then he added, looking over at McGonagall, "but I  
  
have, erm, business to attend to."  
  
"Fine," said Harry. "I'll be back by next Friday, no  
  
guarantees. Cya Ron, Hermione."  
  
"Bye," they both said at once.  
  
* * *  
  
It was Monday morning and still no sign of Harry.  
  
Ron and Hermione headed towards the greenhouses for  
  
Herbology. As soon as they walked in students were  
  
crammed up against the wall to look at a notice  
  
Professor Sprout had put on the board. Right when Ron  
  
and Hermione were about to read it, Sprout had exited  
  
her office and said, "Everybody! Take your places!  
  
We have much to do today!"  
  
Everybody took their spots and Sprout announced,  
  
"Now, as we only have three months of school left, I  
  
have much work to do for all you sixth years! This is  
  
why I have decided to hire a class Speaker! This  
  
person will have the responsibility of organizing all  
  
lessons through April 15 to end of term and teaching  
  
the class. Even though this is illegal under  
  
Educational Decree number 4 or 5, it doesn't matter  
  
anyway, I'll be retiring after this year. Anyway,  
  
even though I'm not allowed to vote, I highly suggest  
  
that you select Neville! Neville?"  
  
"I will take forth in many challenging Herbology  
  
lessons," Neville exclaimed, "including Introductory  
  
to Mandrake Formulas and the Understanding of how  
  
Muggle plants such as the Venus Fly Trap capture their  
  
insects and use it for plant food!"  
  
"Well, what about their ability to use chlorophyll?,"  
  
Smartass Colin Creevey stated.   
  
"Phhh!," exclaimed Neville. "I'm aware of their  
  
work! So, vote for me, and, keep watching the grass!"  
  
"Excellent!," exclaimed Sprout. "Excellent, Neville!  
  
Anyone else?"  
  
Parvati whispered to Lavendar, and she smirked.  
  
Then, as if they planned it, they both said, "We  
  
nominate Ron Weasley! Speech! Speech!"  
  
"Erm.save the rainforest?," Ron said. The class  
  
applauded. Sprout looked disgusted, and then decided  
  
to begin their lesson for the day.  
  
* * *  
  
Hermione and Ron were on their way to  
  
Transfiguration. The producers of the Harry Potter  
  
movies made sure that they were going out for  
  
publicity, so they happened to be dating each other.  
  
Everything was going quite well. They opened the door  
  
to Transfiguration and found a subsitute there instead  
  
of McGonagall.  
  
Hermione was thankful for this, she had forgotten to  
  
study and whenever there was a sub for when they were  
  
supposed to have a quiz, they wouldn't ever have it.  
  
The sub was very young for the Wizarding World, so  
  
someone around forty. She and Ron took their seats  
  
and class began.  
  
"Hello," the substitute addressed the class. "My  
  
name is Mr. Umbridge, but you can feel free to make  
  
fun of my name all you want, two suggestions are Mr.  
  
Umbitch and Mr.  
  
Idiot-Who-Coincidentally-Has-The-Same-Last-Name-As-Kinney's-Wife."  
  
The class laughed and Hermione giggled. She thought  
  
this person was great throughout the entire lesson.  
  
Never before had she learned so well from anyone and  
  
had such great fun at the same time. Mr. Umbridge  
  
noticed quickly how gifted Hermione was, and took a  
  
liking to her too. After class, Mr. Umbridge held  
  
Hermione after class and asked her if Harry helped her  
  
with her homework. This was definitely the wrong  
  
question to ask at the time. She had been upset with  
  
Harry's jealously against Ron for getting Hermione.  
  
"No," she said to him. "Trust me, he's useless as a  
  
dungbat!" Hermione looked up at Mr. Umbridge and felt  
  
as though he understood her, and she felt she  
  
understood him. There was some connection, not a love  
  
connection, but more of a special bond between them.  
  
* * *  
  
Harry was climbing down and through the Squid's maze  
  
of intestines until finally, Monday afternoon, he  
  
found a mysterious black door as one of the exits.  
  
Cautiously, he opened it.  
  
"I'm glad you're here, Harry," said a cold and evil  
  
voice.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!," Harry screamed. He then  
  
looked closer at the face that had said that and  
  
realized it was Voldemort.  
  
Harry caught his breath and said, "Oh.haha, just you.  
  
So, how's it been."  
  
"What?," Voldemort said. "No continuous screams, no  
  
terror, no fear beyond belief?"  
  
"Hey, every time we get caught up in a situation, I  
  
win and you end up losing," Harry remarked. "I'm  
  
5-0!"  
  
"Yes, well," said Voldemort, "I'll admit my winning  
  
streak no longer exists. Hmm.it seems Dumbledore was  
  
too cowardly to join you. Oh well, no need!" He took  
  
out his wand and said, "Hypnotica!"  
  
Harry's eyes were spinning and he fell into some sort  
  
of trance. Voldemort laughed loudly and said,  
  
"Perfect! Now for you to listen to me! I will make  
  
you kill your best friends, and if time allows, Draco  
  
Malfoy. That kid needs some help, thinking he's a  
  
dark wizard. HA! Okay, now listen to me Harry!  
  
Repeat after me: I am at your power."  
  
"I am at your command," Harry said.  
  
"Uh-uh!," Voldemort said. I said nothing about  
  
command! Power!  
  
"I am at your power," Harry corrected himself, still  
  
dazed.  
  
"Perfect!," Voldemort said. "No, wait, go back to  
  
command for a sec.no! No, power. Power!"  
  
* * *  
  
Ron had been planning speeches that entire week. He  
  
delivered each of them everyday at lunch. All the  
  
Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs besides Neville and Colin  
  
seemed to like his way of thinking. He felt for sure  
  
that he was going to win his race. The voting was  
  
taking place that afternoon and the ballots were about  
  
to close. He was handing out Pumpkin Pasties to  
  
everyone as a before-winning party.   
  
"Hey, Seamus, thanks for voting for me," Ron had  
  
said.  
  
"I didn't vote, voting's for geeks!," Seamus replied.  
  
"Yeah," Ron said, "ya got that right. Thanks for  
  
your vote ladies." Lavendar and Parvati were walking  
  
past him.  
  
"We forgot!," they both said.  
  
"Erm, don't sweat it, as long as some people did,  
  
right Dean? Hermione?"  
  
"Uh-oh," Dean said.  
  
"Whoops," Hermione added.  
  
"WELL SOMEONE MUST HAVE REMEMBERED!," Ron shouted.  
  
"Did you vote?," Hermione asked.  
  
Ron looked devastated. "No." He rushed to the  
  
greenhouses when the bell rang. The voting was over.  
  
Neville had won with 2 votes to nothing.  
  
* * *  
  
The next two weeks went by fast. Harry had tried to  
  
kill Ron and Hermione but broke out of the trance and  
  
had escaped Voldemort's wrath again (6-0!). Ron was  
  
still depressed about his loss, and Hermione was still  
  
excited about Transfiguration lessons. Today she was  
  
going to give Mr. Umbridge a flower she had picked on  
  
the Hogwarts grounds. Mr. Umbridge made her look at  
  
life in a totally different way, and decided that she  
  
would give this to him for him to understand that.  
  
Last week, she went to Hogsmeade with him to visit the  
  
new Witch Hunt Museum that opened. She ran to  
  
Transfiguration to give it to him. She was the first  
  
to enter to find that Professor McGonagall was back.  
  
"Hi Ms. Granger," she said, "I'm back!"  
  
Looking heartbroken, Hermione took her seat. The  
  
class filed in and did the same. Professor McGonagall  
  
looked slightly embarrassed and walked up to the  
  
blackboard to start the lesson.  
  
"Okay class, I want to let you all know that I was  
  
okay and that the red laser beam didn't even affect me  
  
at all," she said. "It turned out that my half  
  
petrification was (and she wrote this on the board)  
  
Psychosomatic."  
  
"What's that mean?," Neville said.  
  
"It means she was crazy," said Dean.  
  
"No, it means that she was faking it," said Parvati.  
  
"No," said Professor McGonagall. "Actually it was a  
  
little of both. Sometimes when these things are in  
  
all the magazines, and is in the Daily Prophet all the  
  
time, it's only natural that you think you have it.  
  
It turned out that I could move just fine all along!"  
  
"Where's Mr. Umbridge?," Hermione said suddenly,  
  
holding back tears.  
  
"Oh, he's leaving right now on the train," said  
  
Professor McGonagall. "Oh, what did he teach you?!  
  
He didn't touch my lesson plan at all!!  
  
"That life is worth living," cried Hermione. She  
  
sped out of the classroom and down the stairs outside  
  
the classroom. From there she ran outside the  
  
Hogwarts gates, holding a stitch in her side, to the  
  
Hogsmeade station. She caught Mr. Umbridge as he was  
  
about to board his train.  
  
"Mr. Umbridge!," she said, "MR. UMBRIDGE!" Mr.  
  
Umbrdige, as well as a few other people, heard her.  
  
"Hey, Hermione," he said. "How are you?"  
  
"Were you just gonna leave?? Just like that??"  
  
"Ah, Hermione, I had to. I'm off to Durmstrang."  
  
"But.you can't just.leave!"  
  
"Oh, Hermione, but I have to. It's the life of a  
  
subsitute teacher. I'm a fraud! Today I might be  
  
mixing potions, tomorrow I'll be predicting the  
  
future, or pretending to know how to repot Mandrakes,  
  
or God knows what. The world out there needs me."  
  
"But I need you too!," said Hermione.  
  
"That's the problem with being middle class," said  
  
Mr. Umbridge. "Those who love you will abandon you  
  
for those who need them more."  
  
"I.understand," said Hermione. "This is for you (she  
  
handed him the flower). Oh, I'm gonna miss you!"  
  
Hermione hugged him.   
  
"Listen," Mr. Umbridge said, "if ever you feel alone,  
  
and that there is no one to rely on, this is all you  
  
need to know." He then took out a piece of paper,  
  
wrote something on it, and then folded it in half and  
  
gave it to Hermione.  
  
"Thank you," Hermione said. "If you don't mind, I'll  
  
just run alongside the train as it speeds you from my  
  
life!"  
  
The train began to take off. Mr. Umbridge jumped in  
  
and took his seat. Hermione ran alongside the train  
  
and looked at Mr. Umbridge as he was going miles an  
  
hour faster than she was.  
  
"It's gonna be okay," Mr. Umbridge shouted. "Just  
  
read the note!"  
  
Hermione took one last look at him and then at the  
  
piece of paper in her hand. She unfolded it, and read  
  
it. It read: You are Hermione Granger.  
  
* * *  
  
"RON DIDN'T GET ONE VOTE??," Harry shouted. "Aw,  
  
man, this sucks! Hey, what's wrong with YOU?" he  
  
added to Hermione.  
  
Hermione still held a grudge against him. "Nothing,"  
  
she said.   
  
"Go ahead and tell him," Ginny said. She knew about  
  
this whole ordeal with Hermione's bond with Mr.  
  
Umbridge.  
  
"Mr. Umbridge left today, as you know, Harry," she  
  
said.  
  
"Okay," Harry said.  
  
"He's gone," Hermione said.  
  
"And." Harry said.  
  
"I didn't think you'd understand," she said.  
  
"Hey," Harry said, "just because I don't CARE doesn't  
  
mean I don't UNDERSTAND!"  
  
Hermione got off the chair she was slouched in and  
  
stood up at Harry.  
  
"I'm glad I'm not crying," she said, "because I'd  
  
hate for you to think that what I'm about to say is  
  
based on emotion. But YOU Harry, SUCK! YOU SUCK!  
  
YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!  
  
"Hermione," Harry said, looking awestruck, "I don't  
  
think you realize what you're saying!"  
  
"YOOOUUU SUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!," she shouted one  
  
last time. She ran out of the Gryffindor Common Room  
  
with tears and headed for the library.  
  
"Wow," Ron said, "one of us was bound to say it one  
  
day, I just can't believe it was her!"  
  
"I can't believe she said that to me!," Harry said.  
  
"Me! Of all people!"  
  
"Harry," Ginny said, "you're not allowed to have hurt  
  
feelings right now! There's a girl downstairs who  
  
needs you! Her confidence in her bond with you is  
  
shaken and no one can be happy unless they have faith  
  
in their friend!"  
  
Harry, angry, got up off his seat and went downstairs  
  
to the library. She found Hermione sitting at a table  
  
with her head down, still sobbing. She looked up and  
  
saw Harry.  
  
"Go away," she said.  
  
"Hermione, I'm sorry," Harry said, "are you crying  
  
because you said I suck?"  
  
"NO!," Hermione yelled.  
  
"Nuts," Harry said. "Look.this is hard for me to put  
  
this, but, I'll try. You.lost someone special to you  
  
and it hurts, I'm lucky because I never lost anyone  
  
special to me, well, accept mom, dad, Cedric, and  
  
Sirius, but other than that, everyone special to me  
  
lives in this castle. It's true. Now, you'll be a  
  
lot of special people in your life, Hermione, there's  
  
probably someplace where they all hang out and the  
  
food is good and guys and house-elves like myself and  
  
Dobby are doing nothing but serving drinks.  
  
I'm.sorry."  
  
"Thank you, Harry," Hermione said, "friends?"  
  
"Friends."  
  
* * *  
  
  
  
Epilogue: Harry later helped Ron get over feeling  
  
sorry for himself by reminding him that he wouldn't  
  
get paid, he'd be breaking the law, and that the job  
  
itself would suck anyways. Harry then started his own  
  
Psychiatrist stand and charged the world five knuts  
  
for five minutes of help. His visitors include Filch,  
  
Voldemort, and Neville Longbottom.   
  
THE END 


End file.
